Posts Tagged ‘Oprah’

I just finished reading a fun and light book by Sophie Kinsella, Can You Keep a Secret? The heroine, Emma Corrigan, is reminiscent of one of my favorite characters of all times, Bridgett Jones, and spills all of her “secrets” to a complete stranger during a bumpy airplane ride. These “secrets” aren’t really serious, mainly things like- what kind of underwear she prefers to wear and that she really doesn’t love her boyfriend, etc. Like I said, it’s a fun and light read!

So it got me thinking- what might my secrets be? And while I wasn’t able to come up with any “secrets” per se, I do have a number of “wishes” that are always on my mind that I’d like to share.

1. I wish I could tell Oprah how sorry I am for everything I’ve said about her.

2. I wish I could really sing. Not so that I could go on tour- I love my life now and don’t need the headache of an international sell-out. But, I’d love to be able to really perform 9 to 5 by Dolly Parton at the office Christmas Party. I would act like it wasn’t going to be any big deal, I’d be a little shy, and then it would be AWESOME. People would talk about it for years to come.

3. I wish I always had a pair of scissors with me when I saw those “balls” hanging from a truck’s (or Mazda’s- you know who you are in Little Rock) trailer hitch. I’d just do a little snip-snip.

4. I wish I could be featured on the Today Show– but not because of a tragedy, or some sorry story. I’d like to be called as an expert of something I love like the movies. Maybe I could have my own segment, joke with Al Roker, and be awkward with Anne Curry.

5. I wish I had my own stylist. He or she, preferably someone like Cinna from the Hunger Games, wouldn’t have to work for me full-time, they could just pick out my wardrobe and dress me for special events like Supper Club and Bible Study.

6. I wish all of my friends lived next door to me. We could share a backyard like sister-wives, but not husbands. I’d have the adult hang-out in my backyard, one friend would have a pool, another a trampoline, and so on. And we’d never get tired of each other or get in a fight.

7. I wish I could time travel. This is so cliché but it truly is one of my wishes. I would just observe and try not to drink the water. My top three, time destinations: Cleopatra’s era, JFK assassination, and an early Elvis concert.

8. I wish that I could pay off Sarah McLachlan (and the Humane Society) to stop playing those Angel commercials. Every time I see one I wish that I was rich and could make it worth their while to pull all those spots, immediately.

9. I wish everyone had a dog like Greta and a lifetime supply of Diet Dr. Pepper.

10. I wish I had ten wishes to make it an even number, but nine really sums it up.


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Dear Oprah,

I’ve had an “ah-ha” moment.

Although I don’t (yet) have a gratitude journal, I am a recent Oprah convert. It was as if the clouds parted, my eyes were opened and I finally saw the light.

For the last few months, I’ve really been enjoying your Farewell Season. I watched intently as you brought on The Judds to talk about their own farewell tour, I wished that I was given that trip to Australia, and I almost cried when I realized that I’d missed the Fergie interview. (Still waiting for that one to re-run, hint- hint.) Not only did your Harpo magicians bring us all the “A List” guests this year, but they also managed to have Aretha Franklin belt out an extremely slow and moving version of  Amazing Grace at your Surprise Spectacular. Season 25 was some amazing television.

Why Not Me?

Ironically, although I’ve always watched your show, I have only been a fan of yours for about the last fifteen minutes. I’m sorry to say that in the past, I’ve even given you a hard time on my blog for what I thought was your self-appointed Deity Status. But after your re-interview with James Frey, I began viewing you afresh. The episode: “James Frey: Five Years Later” shocked me. I had witnessed his lashing five years earlier when you and many others in the U.S. gave him such a hard time for publishing his novel as a memoir. I couldn’t believe the way in which you let him have it.  I felt so sick for him in that moment, being human myself and often making my own mistakes, and I just wanted you to show him a little grace.

You were about to unleash the Fury.

And then you did, in your most recent interview. I thought, in fact, you showed all sorts of grace. You apologized for the way in which the interview was conducted, for making Frey feel “ambushed,” and for the way in which you went about berating him for his mistake. I thought that was very big– even for Oprah Winfrey.

It was a freeing experience for me. I could now not only watch your shows, but finally understand what everyone had seen in you all of these years. And now, instead of cynically viewing your last episode as a tribute to yourself, I was really able to view it as you intended: as a Love Letter to your viewers.

Your last episode inspired me: your pretty pink dress, your words of wisdom, and most of all your encouragement to follow one’s calling. You said, “My great wish for all of you, who have allowed me to honor my calling through this show, is that, you carry whatever you’re supposed to be doing, carry that forward and don’t waste anymore time. Start embracing the life that is calling you and use your life to serve the world.”

Amen, ya’ll!

I know you can't really see the earrings, but I loved them.

So now I’m hooked, and just in time. I’ll have to see how much it’s going to cost me each month to add the Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN) to my cable package. But for Gayle, Shania and Fergie, no amount could be too much.

Thanks for all of your hard work,  Oprah. I’m really going to miss you.


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Unlike the Blair Witch Project which received 3 stars from the Motion Sickness Association of America and the latest Jason Borne installment which scored an amazing 4 1/2 stars on the Motion Sickness Scale, Avatar received an impressive and yet-to-be achieved 5 star rating. It will most definetly take movie goers a full five days to fully recover their equilibrium.

Avatar starts us spinning from the very first scene and spits us out with a terrible case of sea-sickness that would rival any rough-water dinghy ride in the Cayman Islands. (This movie reviewer’s personal worst motion-sickness episode.) But Avatar is a such a mesmerizing and new ride with such special effects and amazing scenery, that no matter how sick you start to feel you won’t ever want to ask to get off.

Avatar will be just like the Tea Cup ride at Disney World. You will both love and hate it.

First, the plot: Donning 3-D glasses in an IMAX setting, movie goers are introduced to Jake Sully, a paraplegic ex-Marine who is going to an alien-filled planet, Pandora, which is rich with natural resources. Sully’s mission, along with other new recruits, is simple: take on an Avatar body like those of the natives, infiltrate the native’s society, gain their trust and then betray them. It is the age-old story of white man taking what is not his. But much like Avatar’s special 3-D effects, the plot takes its own expected twist. To no one’s surprise, Sully falls in love with the native people and a certain native maiden named Neytiri, and a John Smith/Pocahontas/Dances with Wolves scenario is introduced.

And a total and complete nauseating sickness overtakes the 3-D movie goers.

Now to the dialogue: The most sickening part of the movie was not its special effects or cheesy plot, but the terrible dialogue lines and sterotypical roles assigned by writer/director and cheesy “King of the World” himself, James Cameron. Here are a few examples: The head scientist, Dr. Grace, who obviously hates meat-head Marine, Sully, tells him, “Let your mind go blank, that should be easy for you.” Later, the hard-ass helicopter pilot Trudy (Anna Lucia from LOST) smacks her gum (of course), then smirks and triumphantly spouts off, “You guys should see your faces” as the new recruits are introduced to the visually breathtaking scenery of Pandora.

[Here Cameron tells Sam Worthington (Jake Sully), “Now go over there and say, ‘You had me at hello.’ It will be perfect.]

But the most gag-inducing dialogue was assigned to the bad guy, Colonel Quaritch. The queasy feeling begins to creep in right from the start when Col. Quaritch explains to the new recurits, “You’re not in Kansas anymore” when they land on Pandora. How original. And you really feel the need to hurl as he rounds out his terrible dialogue perfumance with, “Come to Pappa” when challenging the hero to duel in the final scenes.

And finally, the most dizzying effect: Mother Nature. Compounding the motion sickness caused by the incredible visual effects, the gut-wrenching dialogue and unoriginal plot line is the appearance of the Mother Nature-diety character, Ewya. It’s not the nature part that we turn “green” over, it’s the obvious parallel to Oprah Winfrey that Cameron draws here.

[Because she didn’t like her Avatar, Oprah obviously chose the next best character that she thought fit her the best: the all-knowing, all-controlling deity character, Ewya.]

Ewya is the spiritual leader. She is all knowing, she loves everything, runs everything and even gives and takes life. She’s an expert on mating rituals and lifetime mates, although there’s never a Father Nature in the picture. Instead there’s just a stand-in “Stedman” tribe leader who lets “Gail,” his wife, run the show. And Gail and Ewya are pretty close. I think Ewya is so excited when Sully comes back to save the day that you hear a “Jaaaake Sullllly!!!” coming from the Life tree at one point. Nauseating.

By the end of the movie, you just wish that it would all end. Like nighttime in the forrest, movie-goers are going to feel like they are taking a bad trip at a neon-lit Rave. You will be begging Ewya to make the ceiling stop spinning.

The final word: You will be sickened by Avatar, but you must watch it and you won’t be able to look away. Take a few deep breaths, keep your eyes on the horizon and have a barf-bag at the ready. You’re in for a visually stimulating and vomit-inducing ride.

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This Tiger Lily is dedicated to Jennifer Anniston. (I’m sure she faced off with her Expectations years ago…)

Tonight I attended one of my good friend’s weddings and caught myself really concentrating on what the preacher had to say. He gave a homily of sorts, but on the shorter side, (which we all can appreciate) and then ended the service with a simple prayer. He prayed that the couple would experience “peace” in their marriage.

Well, HELLO! Did the preacher say that at my wedding and I just wasn’t paying attention? Tonight, it finally hit me. I’ve been expecting perfection all my life, and I’m not just talking about my marriage– which is actually pretty great, thanks to my husband– But instead, I should have been asking God for “peace” instead of expecting Him to deliver “perfection.”

So what are these things, “EXPECTATIONS”? And why have mine been so out of control? I guess I stubbornly expect everything to be perfect, to be on my timeline and to work out beautifully. But tonight, I began to realize that I should be praying for more “peace” as life usually delivers the unexpected.

For instance, in 2009:

1. Michael Jackson passed away. Totally unexpected. And, further on this note, I loved This Is It. Also totally unexpected. (If you haven’t seen it, you should. “God bless you.”)

2. Taylor Swift won The Country Music Association’s Entertainer of the Year Award. Have you heard her sing live? Totally unexpected.

She named her album, “Fearless.” Because you would have to be to go to her concert.

3. Oprah announced she will retire. Wait, she’s not God? She won’t live forever? Again, unexpected.

Here she is praying. I guess that should have tipped me off that she wasn’t deity incarnate.

4. The public is now loving Kate and hating Jon. Well you could knock me over with a feather.

5. The Octo-Mom did not sign on for a reality television show. Unexpected.

6. Obama wins the Nobel Peace Prize. (Settle down everybody, I’m just saying it was unexpected!)

Here he is after that great bank bail-out decision.

So Tiger Lily to Expectations. They almost never turn out the way you planned.

And kudos to Jennifer Anniston. From what I can see, she must have kicked Expectations to the curb and started asking for peace a long time ago.

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I know I’ve blogged quite a bit about appearance, from Sarah Palin’s glasses to Oprah’s affinity for the Dove campaign… but I am here to say that I can recognize that beauty is often only skin deep.

In fact, I have a new theory to pass along to the blogosphere, and it’s merely an extension on the idea that beauty is only skin deep. My theory is: “If a man has a full head of hair, he’s up to no good.” It is a theory that is full of Tiger Lily potential: A full head of hair = a lack of character. Here’s what I’d like to show as my evidence:

Blagojevich. Wire tapping accuses Rod of selling Obama’s Senate seat to the highest bidder. His reply, “I will fight this, I will fight this, I will fight this.” He gets away with everything; he has good hair. Who can blame him for being defiant?

Clinton. He did not have sexual relations with that woman; he’s got such great hair, he’s just can’t help it. There must be a reason people called him “Slick Willy.”

John Edwards. Just too beautiful and smiley. He was so good-looking and suave, I knew something wasn’t right.

Tim Tebow— I don’t know why, maybe because I’m an Oklahoma fan, but I really feel like something is off with Tim, and we know it’s not his hair. He’s just too perfect. Mark my words. Goodbye Gators, hello NFL and all the no-good possibilities.

Madoff. Now, I know this is a stretch, but look at how he is growing out his hair in the back. He must know the advantage of good hair and has decided to grow it out for his trial.

Maybe this is just a coincidence, or maybe we should start being weary of men with good hair. I’m just reporting my theory. And much like my theory that the odd numbered years are better than the even numbered ones, (yahoo! here comes 2009) there will be exceptions to the rule. Maybe it’s just a coincidence that all of these “bad boys” have such great hair. But maybe not. Tiger Lily to good hair. It just brings about bad behavior.

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(If this sign could just spontaneously pop-up out of thin air up at the appropriate time!)
I’ve been traveling a lot lately and really enjoyed the post that my sister-in-law provided on my brother’s blog, “Something Clever.” She outlines the many things that bug her about traveling.
Please read her post, it’s hilarious and you’ll get worked up even reading the list.
It got me thinking that, I too am annoyed at people’s rude behavior that is sometimes just plain annoying. My biggest complaint from my recent travels includes people talking at volume level 15 (on a scale of 1-10) on their cell phones. You know these people. You are sitting, say, in an airport coffee shop or searching for the next issue of People to accompany you on a flight, and the digitized version of “My Humps” blairs out from a fellow-customer’s cell phone. She answers.
You are then treated to your fellow-customer’s 10 minute exchange about who they saw at the party last night, what time their flight will land, how many times they’ve gone to the bathroom that day. It’s crazy. And what is most annoying about the whole thing, is that they have no idea that anyone else is annoyed. They are having a blast talking to their friends and co-workers and don’t have a clue that they are being rude.
So, this leads me to an article I read on CNN’s website today, “Are you rude? Maybe you should think again.” This article showcased a recent episode of Oprah. Our all-knowing, mother-of-everything-good, expert in every field of spirituality and reason, Oprah, talked to Jerry Sienfleld about his biggest pet peeve– a lack of civility.
While Oprah reports that 80% of Americans say that rudeness is a national problem, 99% of those people who took the survey said that they are never rude. Tiger Lily. People think that being rude is a problem and they don’t even recognize that they are being rude. It’s rude, people!
Because I am so easily annoyed by others, I went to Oprah’s site to take the quiz, Are You Rude? I’ll be honest and say that I probably didn’t score in the realm reserved for Mother Teresa. Instead, I was guilty of quite a few of my own acts of rudeness. Some of which include:
1. Talking on the phone while someone is serving me. (Think about when you get groceries.)
2. Interrupting a face-to-face conversation with a non-urgent cell phone call.
3. Typing an email while talking on the phone. (I at least try to make it where the caller can’t hear the clicks…)

4. Guilty. But she’s a small dog!

Those are just some examples. Please don’t take this opportunity to point out my particular rude offenses, but feel free to add to the list of rude behaviors. Maybe we can just raise awareness. Knowing is half the battle. Tiger Lily to rude people who are totally oblivious sometimes. Myself included.

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Oh Oprah

I know that as soon as you saw her face, a lot of you out there got really nervous. “Oh no, she’s going to make fun of Oprah.” Don’t worry, I’ll only make fun of her a little bit. I’ll just give Oprah a small Tiger Lily.
So just to get this out of the way, please know, I like Oprah. I like to watch her show, buy her endorsed books, build her endorsed bears, drive her give-away Pontiacs, aspire to her perfect spirituality, give as generously, and look as beautiful– inside and out. Isn’t she lovely? (Que Stevie Wonder. I think Oprah would like that.)

For Mother’s Day, I bought my mother a subscription to O, Oprah’s magazine. I was excited about it. It was one of those gifts you give and hope to borrow later. (How un-Oprah of me.) Anyway, my mom and I started talking about the fact that Oprah is on every single cover of her own magazine. And for some reason, this really bothered us. Isn’t Oprah supposed to be supremely perfect? And isn’t humility one of the attributes of a perfect person?
Well, I’m here to tell you what this is all about. Humility and godliness go hand-in-hand. And I don’t mean the Gideon-type godliness. I mean the television-type. The brand-type. The Oprah-type. Oprah is her own brand. With out her name or her face the Oprah brand wouldn’t be a brand at all. Her name and face have brand power. And by power, you know I mean money. Dollars. And lots of them.

Advertising Age wrote an article “How to get your brand on ‘Oprah'” in its June 2008 issue. The article explains that “she is–by the estimate of PR pros who besiege her producers for a chance to have their brands reflect the warm light of Oprah’s presence–the very pinnacle of product publicity.” See, she is a goddess. She even has a “warm light.” She is the goddess of product publicity and because her face and name carry such weight, she has to keep them front-and-center.

So who can blame her? This television goddess puts a book on the New York Times Best-seller List, boosts Dolly Parton’s CD sales by 70% and puts Bourdreaux’s Butt Paste on the map. And she is philanthropic too. She builds schools in South Africa, gives millions to charity and even has time for her top-rated “Oprah’s Big-Give” on ABC.
I’ve just decided that my idea of “godliness” is a little less “capitalistic,” I mean, complicated. Here are a few other Tiger-Lilish contradictions I see with Oprah:
  • She endorses Dove’s “Campaign for Real Beauty.” (A campaign by Ogilvy & Mather that I absolutely love) But every time you turn around, there is Oprah looking amazing. You wouldn’t ever catch Oprah in her underware, on purpose.

  • She endorses Barack Obama. Now listen up! This is not political. I’m just pointing out the fact, that for a woman who won’t marry a man, bashes men and is the voice of the middle-class woman, isn’t it a little ironic that she would endorse a male over a female candidate? For crying out loud, her July issue of O has an article, “Men! What are They Thinking?!”
  • She endorses everything from butt paste to books. And then has shows about how to de-clutter.
But, alas, everybody loves her. And despite these contradictions, I love her too. Although I really love watching Ellen dance and at least she can joke about her endorsements. Watch out Oprah, here she comes. Enjoy your little Tiger Lily.

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