Archive for December, 2009

Sorry, I had to. My fans (all two of them) have both asked me to write a Tiger Lily for Mr. Woods and I couldn’t resist.

Before I award the Tiger Lily, I have a few comments to make. First, I’d like to commend Tiger for his choice in women. As I’ve read through my trusted source, People, these women have been displayed for my gawking pleasure week-in and week-out. I’d like to say,

“Superior taste, Mr. Woods! I especially like the older Miss Orlando. She must have preformed really well in talent portion of the competition.”

(Warning, do not google “Tiger’s Mistresses and photos.” I’m afraid my McAfee software went into overdrive.)

Next, I’d like to express my new fondness for Tiger’s wife, Elin. Normally, I’m a hater of beautiful, “Trophy” Wives, but I now have a profound respect for her and what she’s gone through. I can’t imagine. All I have to say is,

“Way to go with the golf club! Women everywhere are living vicariously through you! (Even if it’s not true.)”

And lastly, I just want to say,

“Yeah, right” that Tiger’s Caddy/Wingman, Steve Williams, knew nothing about all of this. Here he is pointing out Mistress #73 to Tiger in the gallery.

But I think the real TL goes to Tiger’s fans. I mean, are you really surprised?

Let’s review some famous men and their lack of fidelity:

Dog #1- Wilt Chamberlain.
I mention him first because men all over the world like to quote Wilt’s self-reported statistic every time. As if to say, “At least he wasn’t as bad as Wilt.” It drives me crazy.

Good ‘ole Wilt brags in his autobiography, A View From Above, that he had sex with over 20,000 women. Wilt’s saving grace (in my book, at least) was that he never married. Yet, when asked by a steady girlfriend how many women he’d slept with, he held up the following sign:

Wilt, you sly, lying dog.

Dog #2- Magic Johnson.
Magic contracted HIV and admitted in the early 90’s that this was the product of affairs with multiple sexual partners. My guess is that he cheated on his wife. What a hero.

Dog #3- Kobe Bryant
Kobe was accused of a sexual assault on a 19-year old in Colorado in 2003. The charges were later dropped and Kobe simply explained that it was an extramarital affair. Phew. Thank goodness he’s such a great guy. He even gave his wife a jumbo diamond after that. She’s so lucky. I bet that’s the only extramarital affair he ever had.

Dog #4- John Edwards
Johnny ran for President while his wife battled breast cancer and took care of their kids. If this wasn’t enough to put him in the dog category, he then made a baby with a bimbo who thought he was “hot.” (Please see my blog post about good hair. It’s never good, people.)

Dog #5- Tim Tebow
Okay, so he hasn’t been accused of infidelity yet. But it’s just a matter of time. Look at his girlfriend. Poor thing.

I could parade a number of other dogs and their dirty-dog ways, but I think you get the point. Tiger is just one, in a long line, of misbehaving men. It is all of us who should take the Tiger Lily. We were fooled by his PR machine, by his biceps, by his Sunday-clutch shots and arm pumps. We just wanted to believe that all those PGA guys are just as squeaky clean as they are talented. I think we’ve all learned the hard way not to be so naive.

I’m not saying that any of us, myself included, are any shade of perfect. I don’t expect Tiger or anyone else to be any more than just human. But his calculated, manipulative, and assisted marital escapades should not be glossed over just because he’s a great athlete. It is terrible. I appreciate that he’s asked forgiveness and I hope he won’t do it again. But rarely do old dogs learn new tricks. Tiger Lily to everyone who was surprised and to anyone who thinks this will be the last time.


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