Archive for February, 2009

According to TMZ.com, Nikki Hilton put a “male transient”/(my translation:) homeless man under “Citizen’s Arrest” yesterday for “battery”/(my translation:) bumping into her outside of an IHOP Restaurant in West Hollywood.
“I place you under Citizen’s Arrest!” she yelled. She then held the suspect at bay until the real police arrived.
Then the guy was for real arrested.
This got me to thinking how much I like the idea of “Citizen’s Arrest.” It sounds so serious, and yet, it carries no weight. How Tiger Lily.
Thanks to Nikki Hilton, I’m bringing back the Citizen’s Arrest. I can’t really remember the last time I used this phrase, probably because it was when my life was still in the single-digit range, but none-the-less, I can’t wait to use it again.
Here’s what I’m thinking for a Citizen’s Arrest… I will place people under Citizen’s Arrest if they break one of my laws. These are the violations that are immediately insulting because they are so clearly and utterly wrong. A Citizen’s Arrest is merely a reaction to someone’s unbelievable behavior.
So be pre-warned. I’ve brought it back. And I will place you under “Citizen’s Arrest” if you violate any of my laws. Here are some examples:
1. If you are not a good merger, you cannot drive during rush-hour.
2. You cannot be a “wet blanket.” This includes variations of the said offense, including, but not limited to: dream-killers, party-poopers, non-dancers and especially dieters.
3. You must be a dog-lover. (It’s the law.)
4. You should not wear OU clothing unless you actually graduated from the University of Oklahoma in Norman.
5. You have to take all of your vacation days.
6. You should be nice to your mother. And courteous in general. Where has courtesy gone anyway? If you are rude in any way, I will place you under arrest.
7. You should not answer your cell phone in a movie theatre– if it’s an emergency, you should probably leave the theatre anyway. (This is for Jay and Traci)
8. Women– you should not “leave a trail” in a public restroom. Would you do that in your own home? Unbelievable.
9. Men– you should just stop spitting– even if you are outside. Why was that ever okay?
10. You should take personal responsibility in all areas of your life. Obama can’t help you out of everything.

Tiger Lily to the Citizen’s Arrest.

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