Hello, hello, hello, how low? Has anyone else noticed the 90’s creeping into fashion lately? New York Fashion week was last week and I thought I’d check out the fall trends. I thought I’d get an idea of what I wanted before I went shopping for 45 minutes between Mother’s Day Out drop off and the PTO meeting. As clicked from webpage to webpage, I felt all my middle-school insecurities come flooding back.
The 90’s are back. And not just in a cute, nod to the 90’s, trendy way. It’s more of a, let’s wear exactly what we wore in 1994, way. I can feel my airway closing with every choker I see. That pair of crushed-velvet overalls is making my skin crawl. I’m having a full -on, Generation X allergic reaction. Even though I love her, I blame Taylor Swift.
Let me explain. I lived through these trends. During this time, I went through puberty. I played my french horn in the marching band. I navigated through pep-club, Mean Girls (not the movie), and middle school in general. If you offered me 10 million dollars to go through a week of this again, I would decline. As for me: Dr. Martens and the 90’s are dead to me. We are done forever. I will not go back there.
Crop tops. Crop tops came creeping back this past spring and I watched baffled as people my age began to wear them. We had the privilege of this trend when we were in our teens! We wore these with abandon! We didn’t even think about ‘what if my stomach shows?’ But now is not our time for crop tops. Now, after the freshman 15, a much-slowed down metabolism, and two babies, the only thing creeping back for me are my stretch marks. If you are reading this and you see the picture below and wonder, “Is that Victoria Beckham on the end? And who are those girls in crop tops with her?” It is safe for you to wear a crop top. If not, you should skip this trend with me.
Overalls. I had this pair of Osh-Kosh overalls I got from a Goodwill store. (Or Urban Outfitters when Urban Outfitters were hard to find, but Goodwill was what was cool then so I’m sticking to that story.) I wore these beauties all the time. Overalls did nothing for my smoking hot, 16-year old body but shroud it in a denim version of a sack race. I think this is why all those girls from Baylor embraced this overall trend for so long. It was a dream come true for the modesty-conscious. But while overalls look comfortable and don’t threaten to expose any jelly rolls, there is NO WAY I can wear these today. I can barely keep my kids from licking the floor in a public restroom. Can you imagine if I were trying to quickly unbuckle, go, and re-buckle those straps in a tiny stall with two little people crammed in there with me? I would dip one of those straps in the toilet. My guess is: Olivia Palermo has no kids.
Mom Jeans. Ironically, now that I am a mom, I will NEVER EVER NEVER wear mom jeans. Not because they look bad (And they do. One cannot argue that point.) or because I hate comfy. It’s because they haunt me. Don’t ask me why, but I wore my jeans like mom jeans before it was cool. And Kirby made fun of me. Every. Single. Day. I figured it out eventually. The low-rise trend mercifully came on the scene and saved me just in time for college. But I will never do Mom Jeans. Never again. (And Kirby apologized to me. So there was that.) If you Google “mom jeans” along with a celebrity’s name who is over the age of 27, you will not be able to find a single picture. J Lo + mom jeans= nothing. That should be a warning to us all. Even J Lo won’t do it.
Plaid. Plaid is not that bad. I don’t totally hate it. I even have a scarf and one shirt in my closet right now that are plaid. But what I want to point out about this trend is that plaid is hot. Hot in temperature. I see it in the stores and feel the need to pack a stick of Secret Antiperspirant in my purse for the rest of the year. This is just a continuation of the hot trend that Pinterest started with all of the layering outfit suggestions. Please! I live in Oklahoma where it can be five million degrees in November. I cannot wear a t-shirt, denim shirt, sweater, plus a plaid scarf unless my car is broken down in Colorado and I have to walk for help. The only thing about this trend that makes me smile is that men are expected to embrace it too. While Kayne smugly sits in the front row of fashion week in his hoody, I take solace in the fact that he too will soon be uncomfortable because of fashion. We watch the women AND men walk the runway in ten thousand layers with plaid accents and I laugh. Men hate nothing more than being hot and the fashion Gods are demanding it this year. I’m satisfied.
I would like Chris O’Donnell to come and steal me away in his open-air Jeep from these 90’s trends. Drive me away to a land that demands an athleisure uniform, long long t-shirts with clever sayings paired with leggings. Anything. Anything but the 90’s.
Well, not anything. A few other troubling trends have cropped up that are neither 90’s inspired nor realistic in any way. See through clothing, mermaid-inspired outfits and cold shoulder tops. Here are some real clothes from Nordstrom.com that you can actually buy. Today. You can buy these today.
From the brand, I kid-you-not, Missguided. At least they know, deep deep down this is wrong. Can you imagine if I wore either of these dresses to an up-coming wedding? I guess I could just throw on some plaid and warm these outfits up a bit.
The next outfit is again, one of Olivia Palermo’s. What is she thinking? I guess she was all “thigh gap” and felt left out with the new “Mermaidthighs” trend so she went with this dress. It’s the mermaid trend and the cold shoulder trend combined. Why do we embrace trends that sound uncomfortable? Next year we’ll encounter “tourniquet sleeves” and “very-scratchy panel pants.” I promise. You just wait and see.
If I’ve learned anything from middle school and in the 90’s, it’s that you can’t take yourself too seriously. And you can’t care what the Kirbys of the world think or say. As one of my friends said the other night, “You be you!” If you want to go Grunge or Goth or straight J. Crew, DO IT! I will be me with my new “Nerdy by Nature” t-shirt, Disney Villain Vans, and certainly NOT a pair of mom jeans. But I did try on this short-overall ensemble the other day. The sales girl would not let me take the choker into the dressing room.