The Tiger Lilies

Tiger, speechless when Elin announces the settlement figure of $750 million.

Ladies across the globe are secretly cheering this week as The London Sun reports that Elin Nordegren will take $750 million in an upcoming divorce settlement from Tiger Woods.

Heather Mills, Juanita Jordan and Guy Ritchie were all dumb-founded this week when they heard the news. When asked about the impending divorce settlement by a Tiger Lilies reporter, all responded with the same, simple quote: “Da—-mn!”

Mills says, "Come again?" when given the $750 million figure.

While preliminary reports indicated that Woods’ assets are worth over $1.5 billion dollars, today, Forbes.com reported that the sports super-star is worth only $600 million. If the latter figure holds true, Elin will only get a fraction of the $600 million, still allowing her to take home the “mother load” from her cheating ex.

But there are a few stipulations in this mega-divorce settlement.

1. Nordegren is not allowed to speak of, write a book about, or give any interviews regarding Woods’ alleged sex-capades.
2. Woods is not allowed to bring any of his lady-friends around his children, unless, God forbid, he marries one of them.
3. Nordegren is not allowed to move outside of the United States permanently.

Both parties agreed to the conditions of the settlement with no complaints. After all, it is exactly how they behaved during their marriage.

While the American public is giddy with excitement about $750 million figure, they are as equally aghast regarding the gag order placed on the jilted wife.

“We deserve to hear every detail of Tiger’s raunchy affairs!” exclaimed one divorced Arizona man. “Although he’s no longer my kid’s hero, he’s now mine.”

The man’s ex-wife had no comment.

With the PGA tour event schedule winding down, golf fans across the nation hope that Tiger will take some time to think about how he will entertain us through the end of the season and into next year.

“It’s not enough for Tiger to just win tournaments or simply scandalize his entire family anymore,”  said one disappointed fan leaving the first round of the AT&T National tournament today. “I paid good money to see something truly outrageous today and he’s just not delivering.”

But cheer up golf fans, The Tiger Lily reporters are all keeping a close eye on the PGA’s “good-guy favorites” for a little action in 2011. If Woods can’t deliver, maybe Mickelson can pick up the slack.

"That's right!" says a proud Phil to a stunned Tiger. "This year I'm gonna break your silly record, and Elin can't say a thing to defend your title!"

The Tiger Lily’s editor-in-chief apologizes for taking a brief sabbatical for the past few weeks, or has it been months? She has been relocating to the Oklahoma city area, nursing her poodle’s broken foot, preparing for the third installment of the Twilight series, and fighting the nausea of an early pregnancy!